Changes

I suppose everybody lives several lives. For me, I change on a semi-annual basis. The cycle began when I was a boy. Since then I’ve wanted to be many things. After watching Michael Jackson perform, I wanted to be a singer. I watched Hee-Haw every night whilst playing my Little Tykes drum kit, dreaming of my moment on stage. I read Poe and wanted to write stories. I saw Keiko the whale’s miraculous leap over the rocks in Free Willy and immediately wanted to be a marine biologist. In high school, I realized that all types of biology required talent at science and math that I did not have. I hated the subjects then, but I so wanted to pet whales for a living. From there, I moved on to teaching.

I still want to teach. But the current employers of teachers have lost their cotton-pickin’ minds. I no longer see myself as a professor at a university. I mean, I can see myself in front of a class teaching history, along with how to be a decent human being. But the thought of working as a faculty member at a university under the current conditions are terrifying. I want stability and a healthy portion of autonomy. Those two former facets of higher education dwindle by the minute. Public schools are better, but not by much.

So here I am, thirty-four, a master’s degree in-hand, a lifetime of experiences in management, customer service, and history. I can write a hell of a lot better than I could ten years ago and my research skills are primed. I have dreams and ambitions, but, currently, no place to go. I teeter between the want of any job that will pay me well and give me benefits while also treating me like a human and wanting some job that requires the education I worked so hard for. In the process, I stress out way too much. I am no different than a couple million others these days. That, after all, is the worst part about it. Whatever I want to be is also what they want. For every good job with great benefits and purposeful work, there are hundreds of applicants itching for the chance to prove their worth.

It took me a while, but I did the thing. I graduated cum laude from the University of Georgia. I had a 4.0 in grad school and would have graduated with honors if I wanted to pay for the pleasure, which I did not. I earned the grades, why do I have to pay for the right to say I am “in the club.” With all this said, however, I do not want to complain. This is more of a run-down, a summary of the last two years. In those two years, I neglected this blog and all other passion-based pursuits I once had. I sold my heart to academia and all I got was a t-shirt and a piece of paper. I knew that going in, really. But I wanted to do it anyway, mostly because I never thought I could.

Things change and so have I. It’s a new year and a new beginning. This one, like all the others, is scary as hell. Still, there’s an element of excitement, akin to what base jumpers must feel just before their feet leave the earth. I’d know for sure if I weren’t such a chicken shit.

A part of this new beginning deals with this blog and writing in general. I love working with words. It’s a vestige of my education and the hard work put into hundreds of boring pages over the years. Better yet, I should say the work itself was exciting. The product? Not so much. I have maintained several blogs throughout my life. I compartmentalized them by subject. I only posted blurbs about my work in history here. In another, Wilderness Wherever, I made an attempt at nature writing. Still, in the Compulsive Chronicler, I tried to be broader and more personal. The irony of that one is that I wrote a whopping total of two posts three years ago, which begs the question of how “compulsive” I really think I am.

The truth is I am not that great at sticking with blogs. I write for about two months then assume that I am a hack and stop. I really don’t think I am very different from others in that respect. Along the way, I’ve had to figure out what I am. As in, am I a writer? Or, do I just like to write? There is a difference, I promise you.

I am a writer whether you like it or not. It’s time to start acting like it.

To consolidate my blogs into one site, I will post a series of articles originally written elsewhere. I am now more whole than ever before. Whatever voice I maintain in this ether should represent my self completely. Enjoy and be well.